Twenty Swear Words

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Here we go, here we go, here we go. World Cup fever officially starts tomorrow and there’s cheap white car flags, Adrian Chiles and bad haircuts everywhere.  Yesterday, I saw a small child with the word ‘Gerrard’ shaved into the back of his head. Oh dear, oh dear.

I’m not a fan of football.  It’s a bit woosy for me.  It’s all the excessive buffing, the chest waxing, the hair products, the mano-a-mano contact at every given opportunity, the tears, the faking, the communal baths, the socks. It’s not attractive to us girls.

And it’s a mug’s game being a supporter.  Let’s face it, poor old England don’t stand a chance of winning and yet we’re marching over the trenches, walking blindly into a summer of collective mass depression and damaged self esteem.  Tragic really.

Nelson Mandela can croak on all he likes about the beautiful game bringing together nations, but we all know it’s personal.  It’s going to be like Eurovision all over again where we lost – spectacularly – because everyone in Europe hates us.  Why wouldn’t they?  We’ve been turning our nose up at their party now for years.  They couldn’t wait for a chance to snub us publicly.

And the same goes for the Americans.  With BP pumping out the horrific oil slick onto America’s prime coastline, we’re literally dumping on their doorstep.  Do you really think we’ll have a hope in hell of winning on Saturday against a side so pissed off?

And it’ll be oh-so-easy for them.  All the yanks have to do is wind up Rooney a little bit and he’ll be off.  The Anglo Saxon within will rear up and he’ll be hoisted by his own petard.

Oh yes, Fifa’s list of banned expletives is a genius move to thwart us, especially since we invented swearing.  Everyone knows that kicking a ball and bad-mouthing are hot-wired together into the very DNA of every footballer in the land. I’d love to know the total on Capello’s swear box by now.  You could probably buy a small island with it.

But twenty words, eh?  I’m intrigued. I’m an accomplished swearer, but I’m struggling with twenty.  Imagine the meeting of the officials to decide on the definitive list?  These are grown men.  It’s got to be the silliest meeting in history.

But the secret list has been issued.  So clearly there’s the F word and the D word – multiply by two when you add Head to them both.  So that’s four. Then there’s obviously the C word and the Mother one.  They’re up there, right?  Then there’s S H one T and the one that rhymes with Banker.

But what else?  Pillock?  Wassock?  Twonk?

You’ve got to wonder.

Roll on Wimbledon.  Bring on the hairy chests and racket throwing.

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5 Comments

Filed under Jo Rees

5 responses to “Twenty Swear Words

  1. Sara Elman-Sims

    Here Here!!

  2. matthewbranton

    Wads: d-wad, f-wad, g-wad. The ‘f-bomb’, as our christian brethren call it, is good as a noun for compounds, mostly neologised in The Sopranos – fat f, motherless f, etc. Toss-pot is under-used these days, similarly toss-rag (do other men keep special rags and pots? Have I been under-equipped all these years?). Tosser is best used with a West Country long ‘r’ – similarly arrrrse. The best male-to-male insults tend to the graphic – ‘best part of you ran down your mother’s leg’ etc. And re. football, let’s not forget the big soapy bath they all like to get into afterwards. Lather up, boys. Your Matey’s a bottle of fun …

    • The toss family! How could I forget those? I’m well reminded, thank you and I’ve been saying Tosser in a West Country accent all day to make myself laugh. Happy swearing. xx

  3. I too think the list of twenty is intriguing. Not because I can’t think of twenty…but because I don’t think any footballer could think of more than three….words of any type.

    Interestingly, football seems gay”er” post any kind of rugby tournament. When you’ve spent weeks or months watching men celebrating a legitimate excuse to kick the living b’jesus out of each other, suddenly a field full metrosexual mincers in ballet shoes fainting at the merest wisp of contact seems all the more ridiculous.

    Actually, I think the whole “footballer” thing is a total abuse of the populous. It’s the modern day “opiate of the people”.

    The world cup is a good reason to shout at the telly. However, I expect more people will be easily finding 20 swear words to shout at our OWN team during their doubtlessly lame performance. Most of us wouldn’t waste the elegance of a well crafted tyraid on a bloody foreigner…..:-).

    Interesting also that all English swear words are so readily understood in any language. As Billy Connolly once said, there’s absolutely no room for ambiguity or loss in translation in the phrase F*** Off.

    In the case of BP….might be worth checking out how both Halliburton and Trans(whatever they’re called) are actually equally at fault but never mentioned by Obama ……both huge US companies……funny that. That’ll be the “special relationship” then.

    • Thanks for that Owen. I’m glad you agree. I’ll keep you posted on my most inventive swearing for the football, but I agree with Billy Connolly, as you pointed out, that our finest bit of Anglo Saxon remains one of the best phrases in our language. Do you think they’re doing special training on Rooney right now, like a Pavlovian response thing, so that he comes out with something else entirely? What could it be? Intriguing indeed.

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